The shadow of external success a.k.a. "Am I measuring in dolphins?"

I did a post the other day about dolphin spotting at Chanory Point in Scotland and how so many of us measure our success on something external, that you have little control over - like wild dolphins (check it out on my FB and Insta

It resulted in some really interesting comments and conversations and I've continued to ponder it. And, because I continued to go most days to try and see dolphins, I really had time to labour the point of this analogy. You're welcome!

I know why I have always looked for external markers of success, and why it's a hard habit to break. School taught me success was a certain exam result, attendance level, ability to sit and not chat with my mates. Work did the same. Adverts tell me I'll look better, cooler, I will be more interesting with a certain product. So as an adult, I am looking for success markers as something tangible, measurable, visible - and external e.g. holidays, dream house, job title, salary band, compliments, likes on social media, dolphins...

And parts of those markers of success I can control. I can work hard, get the right qualifications, save money, smash deadlines, give people what they say they want, tick all the boxes...

But I cannot control all of it.

If any part of that external marker involves other people, other events or actions to take place (or wild animals to show up at an exact time and place), and that doesn't happen, then what have I set myself up for what? Failure. I am measuring my success on something I do not have full control of but if I do not achieve it, it's not successful enough. And underneath that belief? I am not good enough.

That is the shadow side to measuring in dolphins (even when you see them!) it won't be enough. Because those times I have seen dolphins there, guess what? It's not enough. I wanted to see more dolphins, I wished they'd jumped a bit higher, come closer, invited me to join their merry crew and swim the open oceans with them...

Have you ever done that? Got what you thought you wanted and then wanted more?

I compared my dolphin experience less favourably with what I've seen or heard of other people's experience. I attributed someone else with greater luck, or some other accolade of 'better' and diminished my own experience. "Lucky bugger, I never see them throwing fish".

Ten years ago when I first starting visiting Fortrose and Chanory Point, I was really invested in the story that seeing those dolphins had to happen. And when it didn't, I felt ashamed! I created shame at the perceived gap between me where I was (no dolphins) and where I wanted to be (best mates with a dolphin who appeared whenever I spoke to the waves). That external success marker really activated my critical inner voice, judging what I was doing, pointing out what I hadn't done. I had to hide my shame behind jokes, explanations, self- put downs.

And whilst I've really gone hard on the dolphins example here, I wonder what word or scenario you could input there to make this your story of measuring success on something external and outside of your full control?

Making our success about something that is outside of our control has such a big impact - and isn't always something we readily identify as doing us a dirty. It triggers all these stories that plague so many of us (enoughness, comparanoia, shame, critical voice etc) and we are taught to keep striving for them.

So yes, I left Scotland having seen no dolphins this time, but having realised that this is no longer my marker of success. Dolphins were a nice to have to the other successes along the way: being out in nature, surrounded by beauty, sun on my face, space to myself, a chance to people watch, time to think. These were all things I had created and because I allowed myself to focus on them, my whole experience was better.

My experience was more... successful.

Side note: On the last day I saw a sea otter. Just ottering away outside the window of our holiday cottage as I drank a coffee. As I watched the otter I realised that if I was still chasing dolphins I would have missed it. So another success for me - not chasing the big ticket, but rather noticing and enjoying what was right there in front of me.